(This is my column in the upcoming Williamson Herald. )
With only a few shopping days left the stakes are high, the pressure is mounting, inventories are thinning…as is patience. In these final days of income depletion you are likely to encounter much stress and discourtesy. These rude behaviors must be confronted and penalized and I’m here to help you do that. I recommend that for your next shopping venture you wear a black & white striped referee’s shirt and carry a whistle and a yellow penalty flag.
Below is a list of common violations on a football field that are repeated daily in department stores and malls during holiday shopping. Dressed like a zebra with authority you are ready to spot, whistle, and flag violations of proper shopping conduct. Keep the list handy, get out there on the field, and don’t be afraid to speak up. And make sure you have good health insurance.
Backfield in Motion: This violation occurs when a new register opens and three shoppers who were behind you jump in front of you.
Delay of Game: This is the lady who waits while a truckload of items are being scanned at the register, is given the grand total and THEN begins an archaeological dig in her purse for her CHECKBOOK.
Too Many Players on the Field: This is the penalty you want to call when you show up for a 6 a.m. Doorbuster item and they’re already sold out because there were a hundred people in front of you.
Illegal Procedure: This occurs when the shopper in front of you attempts to make a purchase AND execute a return/refund instead of proceeding to the customer service desk.
False Start: This heinous violation at the register occurs when a buyer in mid-purchase suddenly remembers the Veg-O-matic she wanted, which is in back on the Goofy Appliances and Bad Gifts aisle in the Housewares department of the store, a section so far away it is in another zip code.
Holding: This rule breaker is blocking an entire display or table while she is holding a potential purchase, paralyzed in indecision. She is not sure if this sweater is the right size, color, style, fabric, or price. But then again it might be perfect. Perhaps if she picks it up, puts it down and picks it back up six more times it will grow lips and speak to her.
Encroachment: This is the flag-worthy sin of having a shopper lean in or reach around you and grab an item you were just getting ready to examine. You’re wishing you had a 12-inch wooden ruler, aren’t you?
Clipping: This is the guy who holds up the line arguing with the cashier about the fine print and the validity of his coupon. Clipping may also be inflicted by the same lady (see Delay of Game) who searches her Samsonite purse and every pocket in her 3 layers of clothing for a coupon because “I know it’s in this hemisphere somewhere.” By the time she finds it, the coupon has expired and the store is putting up Valentine’s decorations.
Not Enough Offensive Players on the Line of Scrimmage: This is a penalty flag on the store management when there’s an obvious need to open more registers because the line behind the lone open register is longer than the line for the ladies’ room during intermission of a Barry Manilow concert.
Excessive Celebration: This display is flagged and penalized when a shopper shouts “YES!” and does an end zone dance because they got the last 10-foot plasma high-def TV with surround sound and bonus Blu-Ray disc player for $57.99. (Hint: Next year camp out over night for all 4 a.m. doorbusters. ) Excessive Celebration may also be called on any demonstrative shopper who declares, “Hallelujah, all my Christmas shopping is now DONE!”
Personal Foul: This penalty is called on the shopper who attacks the Excessive Celebration shopper, tackles the False Starter, or head-butts the Encroacher.
--rLp--