In Treatment: Young & Fisher

This is my newspaper column for next week:

 

Being a marriage therapist and a Titans fan I offered to donate my services for couples counseling to Jeff Fisher and Vince Young. Though a clear violation of client confidentiality I’m publishing here a partial transcript of our first session on Wednesday.

Counselor: Thank you both for being here today. Do either of you have questions as we begin?

Vince: Is it OK if I Twitter during the session?

C: No.

Jeff: What time does this end; I have another Saint Thomas commercial to shoot.

C: I can see reconciliation is high on your agendas.

J: I’m not high. Why would you say that?

C: No, I meant…never mind.  Jeff, I understand that you didn’t invite Vince over to spend Thanksgiving with your family.  Why is that?

J: You’re kidding, right?

C:  Vince, if Jeff had invited you, would you have gone?

V: I don’t know. Did they have fried turkey or just oven roasted? Actually, he’s never invited me over for Thanksgiving.  I bet Kerry Collins has been there.

C:  That sounds like a resentment with some history to it. I think we’re getting somewhere.

V:  I bet Coach & his wife and Collins & his wife are all just real cozy friends.

C:  Jeff is divorced, Vince. 

V:  Oh, well… Coach has never really wanted me. I know he really wanted Matt Leinart or Jay Cutler in the draft.

J:  Maybe. OK, so Vince wasn’t my first choice. But Mr. Please-Bud-Out Adams wanted a new toy. And one from Texas.

C:  Hmmm, another clear vein of resentment. We’re making progress. Please continue…

J:  Aw c’mon, the owner is 137 years old and is in bed before 6:00 SportsCenter. He doesn’t know what goes on in the real world of football.

C:  Jeff, would you prefer to work for an owner who is more knowledgeable, but stalks the sidelines, and gets involved in everything like Jerry Jones?

J:  Is the Cowboys job open?

C:  Wow, your face really lit up there, Jeff. But I think you probably have a better shot with the Bears.    But that’s not important right now. Back to the rift between the two of you.  Jeff, I understand that Vince sent you an apology on Monday after the game. An olive branch of sorts.

J:  Yes, but it fell short just like most of his passes.

C:  That’s really cold.  How does that make you feel, Vince?

V:  I think Coach is glad I’m out for the season, that my thumb is messed up.

J:  Yea, now you can just sit at home and suck your thumb like a b…

C:  I think that was uncalled for…

J:  He makes Randy Moss seem like a mature Scout leader by comparison.

C: I think this spiraling down…

J:  You mean, like a tight spiral, on target to a receiver?  That might be a first.

C:  Alright, I think we’ve done enough damage here today.  Vince, anything you’d like to say before we go?

V:  Hold on, I’m getting a text. It’s from Mr. Adams. He says, “Vincent, what are you doing for Christmas? Love, Bud.”

J:  Oh he’s your love bud, alright.  Christmas with the Addams Family.  I’d hate to miss that comic farce.

C: We’re definitely done here.

V: Yo shrink, this session was really short and not helpful at all. You get paid for doing this?

C: Well, when you’re on a tight deadline and have a 600-word limit, you can’t expect miracles.

 

--rLp--

Comments

[Diane Sirmans]

Hilarious!