A dip in our neighborhood pool is not all that refreshing lately. No, the water is completely clean. The problem is that the pool is sitting on a stove of concrete and with recent temperatures hitting 100 it feels like lukewarm bath water. Instead of a floating lounge chair I’m inclined to bring Irish Spring soap and a loofah sponge. This week the newspapers have been running daily warnings about the heat index , how to avoid overheating your body’s own radiator, and tips for staying cool.
Regardless of the season and the outside temperature, staying cool in our emotions is always a challenge. There is much to say about the subject of anger but today I want to make a distinction that has been helpful for many of my clients. The words “anger” and “frustrated” are often used interchangeably but they are not the same. It’s helpful to know which one of these we are actually experiencing as well as understand which one our friend, spouse, or child is feeling.
Anger is a response to a perceived injustice. (We’ll talk more about this next time in Part 2.)
Frustration is the response to a blocked goal. You don’t want to be in the car with me if I’m late, in traffic, and have poor directions. My blood is boiling and I’m strangling the steering wheel because my goal was to get to a certain place by a certain time and that’s not happening. Like many men I can get ticked at lawn mowers that won’t start, instructions that don’t make sense, parts that don’t fit, and technology that can sense urgency and will malfunction just when it is needed most.
Frustration is often not about people, but about things, events, and circumstances that seem to conspire against you and your goals and deadlines. The raw emotion and energy of it feels like anger but it is different than anger. Yes, people can frustrate you also. A co-worker’s procrastination blocks your ability to complete a task. A client doesn’t return your call. You finally schedule a date night and the babysitter gets sick and cancels. A spouse forgets an appointment or takes your cell phone by mistake. Just as you finally sit down to relax with the newspaper and a cup of tea, your child tells you 15 minutes before Target closes about supplies she needs for a school project due tomorrow. It feels like anger but it’s frustration because you are blocked from meeting an obligation or goal or from fulfilling a desire.
Note that people who have a high need for control will experience frequent frustration. Note that I’m not talking here about trying to control others (i.e. manipulation). A high need for control is really just about needing everything to go as planned. All of us desire for things to go as planned but some people get really out of sorts if the cosmos doesn’t cooperate and Plan A doesn’t work. Life will remind you daily that control is an illusion. You have influence but you never have control. When have you ever had one single day go completely according to plan and schedule? I cannot recall ever saying, “Wow, I got so much more accomplished today than I planned!”
I’ll tell you the one thing that has helped me acknowledge and feel my frustration but not be ruled or immobilized by it: Realize that neither Stewing nor Spewing changes anything. Imploding or erupting does not locate my keys, get traffic moving, or unfreeze my computer. If my goal is being blocked by an obstacle it will not be removed by explosion, but navigated by patience and negotiated through wisdom.
-- rLp --
Comments